Today i felt very low from the bottom of my body and soul. Some people wont understand it, coz only i experienced it once or the ten time in one year. The feeling of some kind of a distants from the person i always feel inside of me. A comment made by other people sometimes hurts me.
p/s: sorry sayang. this is about you. hardly anyone is reading my blog here. so might as well i post it here. i dont know when will you be reading this. but i guess this little post wont be at your knowledge anytime soon from the day it happened.
i know you love me.so much. you take care of me. but i feel im not at the very best when im with you. the feeling of insecurity you've bought upon me and your whole family and friends. i know i'm not perfect. everyone isnt. but your entire life has made my life the lowest of low. not just you sayang. but my mom also makes the same remarks as you do. but she said it, straight to the point. eventhough i cant except the fact that she thinks her daughter is fat, but imagine you and your whole family thinks that. how hurt i was.
i know what you want me to be like you want me to be, is at the very best of me. if i could be thin, i would. i wanna be thin. and i would be very happy if im thin. but i am happy now too.i like my body now too. the only reason that is making me hate my own body is you and other characters that is living in mine and your life.
todays remarks made by you by saying "sayang, if your tangan kecik sikit mesti ok"...........
it hurts when i think about it. do you remember when you said that my ass should be smaller when we were in Langkawi??..it was a blast from the past when you made the remark today. your mother said i should go to the slimming program when i get married also really disturbs me. i know im not as pretty as your family, but im trying very hard to be at my best. hence, it is very hard to do that if i receive blow by blow of criticism by your part.
im sorry i blamed you for this. i blamed everyone, including myself. why cant i change? why cant i stop eating? why cant i respects other people opinions and change the way i am and obliged to every peoples perspective?
i am a victim of love..i cant leave you coz i love you so much. i cant leave you for another guy who thinks im beautiful at my own body and everytime when i say "owh i cant eat, im on a diet, on a diet drink" and he would reply "buat apa ika?you are beautiful just the way you are.you dah kurus, no need to change.just be yourself as long as you're happy.stop eating this bullshit, be happy of what you have.i find it very sexy if you just being you".........how i wish you could say that.how i wish everybody would say that.
............ its finally quiet in my head now after i expose it inside here. coz the whole day my head has been making noices and asking me to make choices. my choice is you. ive said it once or the thousand time, that i will change for you. i want you to be happy, even inside of me is not. i would stab my heart if it makes you love me more. i would do anything sayang. dont you ever say that my love towards you has lessened. coz that will never happen in my god forsaken life! it will NEVER happen! coz the moment i lay my eyes on you, i've devoted my heart and soul to you honey. i love you till the end of my life...
is this love? do u like to see me like this? would you be willing to give it up, for me? i dont want to lose you. but i really want to see you happy. no more fat remarks to make anymore. if happy u can find with some prettier girl, thinner, younger, richer, know how to dress up like the way you and others like, smarter, more out going than i am.. i would be very best to accept it for you to have that and get it from other girl.. as long as your happy.
i know there loads of guys out there who are willing to be with me. if there isn't, than what i feared the most is true. nobody wants the person i am now. but im willing not to be loved, rather than have a person who loves me who thinks that i would be much better if i change.
if you asked me whether if i am happy with you or not? i replied yes, but theres a part of me said no... i just dont have the heart to tell you that. i dont want to hurt you that time. and of course not now. but there is too many secrets ive hidden inside of me when it comes to love. and this is one of it. im sorry. ive always put you first. ALWAYS! i thought it was enough, but i guess its not. im sorry. i shoudve try harder.
i dont know if i could handle it anymore, i dont know how long will my body endure it. i dont know.... but all i can say is this. you are the best lover i've ever had. this 1 year and 8 months has been a blast to me. i will not forget it. i will not trade this memories for anything in this whole world. i turn to God, to make plans with my love life. only He knows.
i love you sweetie!