Wednesday, October 31, 2007


i miss my boyfriend so much. when he comes back i want to wrap my arms around him tightly, kiss him like theres no tomorrow and eventually get him on the bed, ravish him like a lioness devouring its prey, tasting every sweet sweat his producing after hours of love making, feeling every touch, every stroke he makes, those slow and fast breath he takes..

I MISS MY BABY!! come home soon sayang!

second chance

The highlight of my semester break was the Recharge Revelation Global Gathering in AFamosa Resort Melacca. That was it. other than that, sitting at home watching tv, endless hours of Starter Wife, Ratatouille, etc. Spend 200 bucks on paperback books, raunchy novels. Fashion mags (CLEO, GLAMOUR) thinking maybe, just maybe i could be trendy with this extra pounds on me as a results of not doing anything (even yoga) for the holiday.

It has been 2 weeks since i last had my well craved *** with le' boyfriend. as he went of to Vegas and LA for holiday. God, i wish i was with him right now! Make love to him every night after a splendid time of gambling and a full day of thrill rides in Disneyland. On the other hand, i was left here in Malaysia, waiting anxiously for him to text me a daily message. but sadly, it has been two days since he last text me. The last message was a favor for me to check out the latest PS3 game "Tony Hawk's Proving Ground's" date of release. Cant he ever take of his mind off of his games! Boys..

Sitting here in front of the pc at 12 am. nothing is good on tv, and realizing how empty and boring my life is. i just realized that i have no friends! of course i have bestfriends, theres always Intan i could run too. Da & Di for our "crucial" Coffee Bean and ciggie getaway. Farid for his stupid jokes. But i dont have a circle of 10 - 20 friends put together at one place and have a great laugh. Suddenly people drove apart when the have bfs/gfs, relationships to take care of. Im happy with the coolest boyfriend im with now, but can he be my lover and my best friend for ever?

On second thought..Do i really need 10 -20 friends..or i just need a few of them to make me happy?

Love, confused!

Thursday, April 19, 2007

a new love

is it possible for me to find love from another guy? who accepts me just the way i am?

i've already had the answer.. but i chose not to take that path. coz i have my own route...

Wreck of the day

Today i felt very low from the bottom of my body and soul. Some people wont understand it, coz only i experienced it once or the ten time in one year. The feeling of some kind of a distants from the person i always feel inside of me. A comment made by other people sometimes hurts me.

p/s: sorry sayang. this is about you. hardly anyone is reading my blog here. so might as well i post it here. i dont know when will you be reading this. but i guess this little post wont be at your knowledge anytime soon from the day it happened.

i know you love much. you take care of me. but i feel im not at the very best when im with you. the feeling of insecurity you've bought upon me and your whole family and friends. i know i'm not perfect. everyone isnt. but your entire life has made my life the lowest of low. not just you sayang. but my mom also makes the same remarks as you do. but she said it, straight to the point. eventhough i cant except the fact that she thinks her daughter is fat, but imagine you and your whole family thinks that. how hurt i was.

i know what you want me to be like you want me to be, is at the very best of me. if i could be thin, i would. i wanna be thin. and i would be very happy if im thin. but i am happy now too.i like my body now too. the only reason that is making me hate my own body is you and other characters that is living in mine and your life.

todays remarks made by you by saying "sayang, if your tangan kecik sikit mesti ok"...........
it hurts when i think about it. do you remember when you said that my ass should be smaller when we were in Langkawi?? was a blast from the past when you made the remark today. your mother said i should go to the slimming program when i get married also really disturbs me. i know im not as pretty as your family, but im trying very hard to be at my best. hence, it is very hard to do that if i receive blow by blow of criticism by your part.

im sorry i blamed you for this. i blamed everyone, including myself. why cant i change? why cant i stop eating? why cant i respects other people opinions and change the way i am and obliged to every peoples perspective?

i am a victim of love..i cant leave you coz i love you so much. i cant leave you for another guy who thinks im beautiful at my own body and everytime when i say "owh i cant eat, im on a diet, on a diet drink" and he would reply "buat apa ika?you are beautiful just the way you dah kurus, no need to change.just be yourself as long as you're happy.stop eating this bullshit, be happy of what you have.i find it very sexy if you just being you" i wish you could say i wish everybody would say that.

............ its finally quiet in my head now after i expose it inside here. coz the whole day my head has been making noices and asking me to make choices. my choice is you. ive said it once or the thousand time, that i will change for you. i want you to be happy, even inside of me is not. i would stab my heart if it makes you love me more. i would do anything sayang. dont you ever say that my love towards you has lessened. coz that will never happen in my god forsaken life! it will NEVER happen! coz the moment i lay my eyes on you, i've devoted my heart and soul to you honey. i love you till the end of my life...

is this love? do u like to see me like this? would you be willing to give it up, for me? i dont want to lose you. but i really want to see you happy. no more fat remarks to make anymore. if happy u can find with some prettier girl, thinner, younger, richer, know how to dress up like the way you and others like, smarter, more out going than i am.. i would be very best to accept it for you to have that and get it from other girl.. as long as your happy.

i know there loads of guys out there who are willing to be with me. if there isn't, than what i feared the most is true. nobody wants the person i am now. but im willing not to be loved, rather than have a person who loves me who thinks that i would be much better if i change.

if you asked me whether if i am happy with you or not? i replied yes, but theres a part of me said no... i just dont have the heart to tell you that. i dont want to hurt you that time. and of course not now. but there is too many secrets ive hidden inside of me when it comes to love. and this is one of it. im sorry. ive always put you first. ALWAYS! i thought it was enough, but i guess its not. im sorry. i shoudve try harder.

i dont know if i could handle it anymore, i dont know how long will my body endure it. i dont know.... but all i can say is this. you are the best lover i've ever had. this 1 year and 8 months has been a blast to me. i will not forget it. i will not trade this memories for anything in this whole world. i turn to God, to make plans with my love life. only He knows.

i love you sweetie!

Monday, January 15, 2007


the bf will be all alone for the whole week! Auntie Lin is in Germany. Alin is in Qatar. and i'm a veryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy naughty girl. yes i am..yes i am!

ideas please?

my time spent.

this weekend will be entering malaysian tourism's 'Flora Hunt' competition. a short briefing on the 20th at 9am and the competition starts at 21st at PutraJaya! im so nervous! im very bad with directions. how can i manage to find the places according to the clues?well, its a once in a lifetime experience. mana tau masuk paper or even they will broadcast it LIVE on tv! or or maybe they will do it like the Amazing Race. uhhhhh! and if you win~ Rm1000 smackers man!

i dont need the money actually. those in Johor, the flood victims needed it the most. to me its just for fun! and maybe i could meet new friends there.

1136 pm

Yeah its 1136 pm. planning to go to bed early tonight, but a brilliant idea from the bf is what keeping me sitting infront of the pc right now. nothing's good on tv. except 'Super Sapiens' aka 'Hell Boy' at Cinemax. dah tengok! bosan!

An update on the 'jealous girl' episode. gave her a simple message saying that i know all the bad things she said on her private blog. at first she totally denied it. bullshit! then she must've realised that im wayyyyyyyyyy smarter than her, she desided to tell the truth. YES! outtof jealousy she confessed. i felt good. a girl like her to be jealous of me? hahh! at once, i mustve done something right in my life. hehe!

the latest entry she said that she felt disgust when hearing DJ Me! on Radio MMU because of my "Mean Girl"s slang. Ugh! Wuteverrrrrr! that is soooooooooooooooo me ok! so what! my slang. why the fuck should you care you biyotch! pretending to promote my airtime on MSN konon, padahal you just want your friends to listen to owhhhh soo talented me on air, just to diss me after that. you BACKSTABBING WHORE! you're my cousin for heavens sake!

she tried to take away my friends previously. by saying bad things about me to them. but they're my friends ok! they know me better than they know her! her plans backfired eventually. they stick to me. and not YOU!

i just highlighted my hair. and i copied YOU? ughhh! puhhlezzz! so you're the only one who can colour your hair? uh! common. that is sooo ntahhape2.

well, at this moment. im am better than you. you are no longer a consern to me. i pity you coz your like this. a sad sad story about my cousin who is not happy but jealous because of the new me. very SAD! please do us all a favor, and ubah diri tu sikit. everybody hates you. you're guts and everything. when will you realise that people stick to you because they pity you? honestly speaking, my favourite cousin for the past 21 years, has turned into a psyco monster. and yes, i dont love you anymore. you said you love me? they're all LIES. you're just a LIE!