The mental picture of a 21 year old (v.2)

moves

2007-10-31T09:03:00.000-07:00

i miss my boyfriend so much. when he comes back i want to wrap my arms around him tightly, kiss him like theres no tomorrow and eventually get him on the bed, ravish him like a lioness devouring its prey, tasting every sweet sweat his producing after hours of love making, feeling every touch, every stroke he makes, those slow and fast breath he takes..

I MISS MY BABY!! come home soon sayang!

second chance

2007-10-31T08:42:00.000-07:00

The highlight of my semester break was the Recharge Revelation Global Gathering in AFamosa Resort Melacca. That was it. other than that, sitting at home watching tv, endless hours of Starter Wife, Ratatouille, etc. Spend 200 bucks on paperback books, raunchy novels. Fashion mags (CLEO, GLAMOUR) thinking maybe, just maybe i could be trendy with this extra pounds on me as a results of not doing anything (even yoga) for the holiday.

It has been 2 weeks since i last had my well craved *** with le' boyfriend. as he went of to Vegas and LA for holiday. God, i wish i was with him right now! Make love to him every night after a splendid time of gambling and a full day of thrill rides in Disneyland. On the other hand, i was left here in Malaysia, waiting anxiously for him to text me a daily message. but sadly, it has been two days since he last text me. The last message was a favor for me to check out the latest PS3 game "Tony Hawk's Proving Ground's" date of release. Cant he ever take of his mind off of his games! Boys..

Sitting here in front of the pc at 12 am. nothing is good on tv, and realizing how empty and boring my life is. i just realized that i have no friends! of course i have bestfriends, theres always Intan i could run too. Da & Di for our "crucial" Coffee Bean and ciggie getaway. Farid for his stupid jokes. But i dont have a circle of 10 - 20 friends put together at one place and have a great laugh. Suddenly people drove apart when the have bfs/gfs, relationships to take care of. Im happy with the coolest boyfriend im with now, but can he be my lover and my best friend for ever?

On second thought..Do i really need 10 -20 friends..or i just need a few of them to make me happy?

Love, confused!

a new love

2007-04-19T03:16:00.000-07:00

is it possible for me to find love from another guy? who accepts me just the way i am?

i've already had the answer.. but i chose not to take that path. coz i have my own route...

Wreck of the day

2007-04-19T00:25:00.000-07:00

Today i felt very low from the bottom of my body and soul. Some people wont understand it, coz only i experienced it once or the ten time in one year. The feeling of some kind of a distants from the person i always feel inside of me. A comment made by other people sometimes hurts me.

p/s: sorry sayang. this is about you. hardly anyone is reading my blog here. so might as well i post it here. i dont know when will you be reading this. but i guess this little post wont be at your knowledge anytime soon from the day it happened.

i know you love me.so much. you take care of me. but i feel im not at the very best when im with you. the feeling of insecurity you've bought upon me and your whole family and friends. i know i'm not perfect. everyone isnt. but your entire life has made my life the lowest of low. not just you sayang. but my mom also makes the same remarks as you do. but she said it, straight to the point. eventhough i cant except the fact that she thinks her daughter is fat, but imagine you and your whole family thinks that. how hurt i was.

i know what you want me to be like you want me to be, is at the very best of me. if i could be thin, i would. i wanna be thin. and i would be very happy if im thin. but i am happy now too.i like my body now too. the only reason that is making me hate my own body is you and other characters that is living in mine and your life.

todays remarks made by you by saying "sayang, if your tangan kecik sikit mesti ok"...........
it hurts when i think about it. do you remember when you said that my ass should be smaller when we were in Langkawi??..it was a blast from the past when you made the remark today. your mother said i should go to the slimming program when i get married also really disturbs me. i know im not as pretty as your family, but im trying very hard to be at my best. hence, it is very hard to do that if i receive blow by blow of criticism by your part.

im sorry i blamed you for this. i blamed everyone, including myself. why cant i change? why cant i stop eating? why cant i respects other people opinions and change the way i am and obliged to every peoples perspective?

i am a victim of love..i cant leave you coz i love you so much. i cant leave you for another guy who thinks im beautiful at my own body and everytime when i say "owh i cant eat, im on a diet, on a diet drink" and he would reply "buat apa ika?you are beautiful just the way you are.you dah kurus, no need to change.just be yourself as long as you're happy.stop eating this bullshit, be happy of what you have.i find it very sexy if you just being you".........how i wish you could say that.how i wish everybody would say that.

............ its finally quiet in my head now after i expose it inside here. coz the whole day my head has been making noices and asking me to make choices. my choice is you. ive said it once or the thousand time, that i will change for you. i want you to be happy, even inside of me is not. i would stab my heart if it makes you love me more. i would do anything sayang. dont you ever say that my love towards you has lessened. coz that will never happen in my god forsaken life! it will NEVER happen! coz the moment i lay my eyes on you, i've devoted my heart and soul to you honey. i love you till the end of my life...

is this love? do u like to see me like this? would you be willing to give it up, for me? i dont want to lose you. but i really want to see you happy. no more fat remarks to make anymore. if happy u can find with some prettier girl, thinner, younger, richer, know how to dress up like the way you and others like, smarter, more out going than i am.. i would be very best to accept it for you to have that and get it from other girl.. as long as your happy.

i know there loads of guys out there who are willing to be with me. if there isn't, than what i feared the most is true. nobody wants the person i am now. but im willing not to be loved, rather than have a person who loves me who thinks that i would be much better if i change.

if you asked me whether if i am happy with you or not? i replied yes, but theres a part of me said no... i just dont have the heart to tell you that. i dont want to hurt you that time. and of course not now. but there is too many secrets ive hidden inside of me when it comes to love. and this is one of it. im sorry. ive always put you first. ALWAYS! i thought it was enough, but i guess its not. im sorry. i shoudve try harder.

i dont know if i could handle it anymore, i dont know how long will my body endure it. i dont know.... but all i can say is this. you are the best lover i've ever had. this 1 year and 8 months has been a blast to me. i will not forget it. i will not trade this memories for anything in this whole world. i turn to God, to make plans with my love life. only He knows.

i love you sweetie!

jahat!

2007-01-15T08:08:00.000-08:00

the bf will be all alone for the whole week! Auntie Lin is in Germany. Alin is in Qatar. and i'm a veryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy naughty girl. yes i am..yes i am!

ideas please?

my time spent.

2007-01-15T08:01:00.000-08:00

this weekend will be entering malaysian tourism's 'Flora Hunt' competition. a short briefing on the 20th at 9am and the competition starts at 21st at PutraJaya! im so nervous! im very bad with directions. how can i manage to find the places according to the clues?well, its a once in a lifetime experience. mana tau masuk paper or even they will broadcast it LIVE on tv! or or maybe they will do it like the Amazing Race. uhhhhh! and if you win~ Rm1000 smackers man!

i dont need the money actually. those in Johor, the flood victims needed it the most. to me its just for fun! and maybe i could meet new friends there.

1136 pm

2007-01-15T07:34:00.000-08:00

Yeah its 1136 pm. planning to go to bed early tonight, but a brilliant idea from the bf is what keeping me sitting infront of the pc right now. nothing's good on tv. except 'Super Sapiens' aka 'Hell Boy' at Cinemax. dah tengok! bosan!

An update on the 'jealous girl' episode. gave her a simple message saying that i know all the bad things she said on her private blog. at first she totally denied it. bullshit! then she must've realised that im wayyyyyyyyyy smarter than her, she desided to tell the truth. YES! outtof jealousy she confessed. i felt good. a girl like her to be jealous of me? hahh! at once, i mustve done something right in my life. hehe!

the latest entry she said that she felt disgust when hearing DJ Me! on Radio MMU because of my "Mean Girl"s slang. Ugh! Wuteverrrrrr! that is soooooooooooooooo me ok! so what! my slang. why the fuck should you care you biyotch! pretending to promote my airtime on MSN konon, padahal you just want your friends to listen to owhhhh soo talented me on air, just to diss me after that. you BACKSTABBING WHORE! you're my cousin for heavens sake!

she tried to take away my friends previously. by saying bad things about me to them. but they're my friends ok! they know me better than they know her! her plans backfired eventually. they stick to me. and not YOU!

i just highlighted my hair. and i copied YOU? ughhh! puhhlezzz! so you're the only one who can colour your hair? uh! common. that is sooo ntahhape2.

well, at this moment. im am better than you. you are no longer a consern to me. i pity you coz your like this. a sad sad story about my cousin who is not happy but jealous because of the new me. very SAD! please do us all a favor, and ubah diri tu sikit. everybody hates you. you're guts and everything. when will you realise that people stick to you because they pity you? honestly speaking, my favourite cousin for the past 21 years, has turned into a psyco monster. and yes, i dont love you anymore. you said you love me? they're all LIES. you're just a LIE!

Shutting down

2006-12-14T10:13:00.000-08:00

i shut down my previous blog.." The Mental Picture " sometimes when i visit that blog, i feel hatred. someone who hates me, reads that blog. and everything i say, she will use it against me. so this blog, a new start..newer stories..about me! fresh..

I recked my car

2006-12-13T09:18:00.000-08:00

I cant drive dammit!!!!!!! Kesian Ujujinsan (baby savvy)! He's all scratched up all over his bumper, rear end! God! the problem is, i dont get accidents on the road, but mostly it happened at parking lots / spaces. Fcuk man! Im so dead!

The flu

2006-12-13T08:41:00.000-08:00

PMS, Flu! owh please tell me what more do i need. its been a while since i last updated this blog. a week maybe? Mama, Jean and Abang are still in London. but they're in Le Paris now! damn im so JELESSSSSSS!!! tak aci.

So anyhoot, my exs' gf just gave me a myspace message. telling me that we should be friends. Girl pleaseee! I have friends, and i absolutely dont need you to be one of mine. Get lost ok.

Here's the story, we had a few rough times previously. Which i (stupidly) had some 'feelings' towards my ex when he was with this girl. It wasnt a 'feeling' actually. It was actually a revenge to pay him back because he gotten over me for only in 2 weeks. that prick!! 4 years of relationship, and he absolutely didnt wait to get back in the game huh!! men! This feeling basically to show him that i was still attracted to him (which i was not). So we went outon dates without the girls' knowledge, when she found out, she went ballistic! Owhh i liked that. And of course, they (my ex and his girl) had a huge fight about me. Uhhhhh yes! and i left them flat like that. i went my separate way, to find a better meaning about life. Riq!

So should i reply? No friggin way. Im just gonna pretend that she doesnt exist. to me, shes a nobody, a past tragedy that i dont wanna recall. does having one extra friend could make a difference? NO! not with her. she doesnt have what i want as a friend. for starters, a cute boyfriend!

Party @ Maison KL

2006-12-08T08:51:00.000-08:00

Again, party at Maison KL to celebrate Fiq's birthday. Sardined into one car, da di intan jnab thebf and i. But da di went back as Halim (di's bf) picked 'em up in KL.

Danced til 3 am. then drove back to cyber with the bf after dropping jnab in Kelana Jaya. Not in the mood to elaborate more about this.

Mama, jean, abang are heading to London this Sunday morning. I'll get the chance to drive Uncle Dins' big ass Suzuki 4 wheel drive. Ohh weee!

-gdnite-

Ahh damn!

2006-12-06T08:24:00.000-08:00

I lost my pendrive. I have midterm exam tomorrow, and i havent studied anything! I am soooooo in deep sh!t!!

I'm a typical university student.

2006-12-03T20:44:00.000-08:00

Woke up at 7 this morning. Eyes are all sore from last nights crying (yes im mentally unstable), didnt have much sleep. I was already on the bed at 12am. Managed to sleep only at 3am. So imagine the sleepiness i had this morning. So anyhoot, the girls (da di nofa) didnt go to BNS class this morning. So i went alone.

The lecturer kept on going for the whole 2 hours. Owhh god! I was yawning every 2 seconds. Suddenly, stomach ache plak. My legs were shaking, cold sweat started to drop. When she finally said "ok last slide!", i was practically jumped off my seat, only to realise that she just said "last slide"..So when she ended the class, i ran as fast as lightningt. Dont care la about my jiggly ass and boobs. I just wanna run, and yakk at home. Ignoring all those eyes watching me, langgar over some cute guys. Drove like mad....and i managed to arrive on time. Alhamdulillah!

After that horrid incident. Thought about taking a nap. But assignments are all around me to keep me awake for the next century. Can u imagine, a 2 page assignment, it took me nearly 3 days to finish it up. God! When i was in UITM, i took me for like 10 minutes to do it. Aiyakk!

OK..stomach ache again..chow!

Cold heart.

2006-12-03T05:20:00.001-08:00

He doesn't realise that he makes me cry sometimes..

Love,
the tender loving gf.

Neglect

2006-12-01T09:09:00.000-08:00

Sometimes the bf doesnt realise that once if he's with his friends or with his games, he totally forgets about me. It is a fact, that some girls dislikes it when their bf's did the same. To me, i dont have any grudges against his friends or his addiction to CS or DOTA. Boys! I get it. But not to the extent when i dont get a single "hello" or "message" for the whole night.

Hmm..Let see. I make all the wake up calls. I do all those "hi i dah habes class, im going out to eat". Stuff like that. Maybe i should stop doing that as i am not receiving the same courtesy from the bf. On the other hand, if im with my friends he'll go "yang i miss you....". If i dont reply in a matter of 5 seconds, he would go "sayang?"

I JUST DONT GET IT !!

Other matter -
How would u react if you're driving 120mph on the freeway, suddenly a road kill ( i think it was a dog) just lay dead in the middle of the road? I'd say.. ELAKKKKKKKKK!! and scream omigod omigod omigod!!

Other matter -
When you're mother is wrong about something.. she will end up cooking the best meal in the whole wide world! Nak amik hati la tue..

-love!-

LCD

2006-11-29T06:08:00.000-08:00

Last week daddy bought a 40inch Toshiba LCD tv. Friggin hebat plis! I was so used to moderate sized tv,when we had the big ass tv, it took me a while (still adjusting) to watch it. My eyes are quite sore as my eyes hafta travel from the far end of the tv to the other. Instead of just moving my eyes, i had to move my head also, from left to right. Adoi! But dad was quite satisfied with it. So people, lend me your dvd collection ( a dvd addict) please, so later i'll be wasting myself in front of the tv, laying on the worn out sofa, mikko sleeping on my tummy..and will only move if mama insist on watching The Bold and The Beautiful ( 3pm - 4pm, Star World). Bila la cerita tu nak habis ok. Penat!

Talking about daddy. Sent a MMS to dad this morning. A picture of a piece of paper saying "HI AYAH!" with my 20 classmates and lecturer as the background. Dad just registered his MMS, so thought of him being so jakun about MMS. I guess i should send him one. and he only replied "he..x3".. DAD! "hehehe" je kan lagi senang..adoiii~

Talking about MMS. hehehe..Send a MMS to the bf this morning also. hehehe. Instead of "Hi Ayah!"..i put "I love Riq". But sadly, no reply from him. Hmm..takpe. Sayang busy buat butter sculpture kot. The other night, had dinner at Westin KL. The food sangatlah sedap. Nak nangis bila rasa the desserts. Ummph! owh did i mentioned that im fat and big. My self confidence is taking its toll right now. It feels weird when taking pictures with cute and petite people. Took pictures with the bfs' sisters (Alin and Didi). God im a friggin GIANT!!!!

IKA THE GIANT...SITTING IN A TREE... E.A.T.I.N.G !!

God Almighty

2006-11-28T01:58:00.000-08:00

I'm updating here in Dsara. Tonight the bf and the whole family are celebrating Uncle Boo's (Pakcik Jarni Khoo) convertion to Islam.God is Great! Having dinner at Westin KL. Awesome food please! Owh God is Great! So that means I cant sleep over anymore? hmm..

So anyhoot, told mama about it. She quoted "kem salam kat Uncle Boo" hehehe. finally! she can say that. true true.

I skipped BIS class this evening, and BSS group meeting tonight. takpelah! bukannya selalu. so, i did my nails. AGAIN! (french manicure) at the nearest Kuku Bar Street Mall .It cost me like RM28 compared to RM35 in Ampang. Student rate they called it. But both are equally nice thou. Gonna be doing it again soon. Haih! habis loan aku on Kuku je! pfftt!

Surprise!

2006-11-24T05:49:00.000-08:00

To the bf,

I LOVE YOU! this is what i wanted to tell you! mwahxx!

Love,
the gf!

Serious?

2006-11-23T03:20:00.000-08:00

I did some re reading from my blog. Irealise I mentioned alot about the bf! Does it mean im addicted to him???! and mylife revolves around him? aiyakk! dangerous! tapi suka laa!

Need some time alone with you

2006-11-23T02:49:00.000-08:00

Last night went to Intan' birthday cum habes paper bbq dinner. Drove from Cyber to Damansara to fetch the 'boss' bf, then off to Keramat. Arrived at 10 pm. Met Baby, PG, Ober, Faz and of course Intans' family. and God I cant stand the horrow sight of Intans bigger sister, Hajja. She despises me. So what if i dont want to salam you! i on the other hand have the most common sense to think that u wont be needing me to shake your hand as you were busy barbequing. and telling me that i tak reti salam was wayyy mean! At least i have the deceancy to salam with your mother la ok!

So anyhooot, spent the night at bf's crib. Talked to Auntie Lin for a while, while helping myself with the most delicious chocolate in the world, Lindt Swiss Chocolate! ummph!

The next morning went back at 1o. All i wanna say is NOTHING BEATS THE FEELING WHEN YOU WAKE UP AND HAVE YOUR BF NEAR YOU. (near ok, not next!) The bf have the tendancy to sleep without pillows. he usually sleeps meniarap on the bed. Soooo cute!

K off to class! wek!

Cat fight..Mriowwww!

2006-11-21T06:49:00.000-08:00

Had a huge fight with the bf. Will not be mentioning here what was it about. But it conserns about not buying claypot mee for dinner..i think! Sometimes we fight about stupid things, and ended up with me saying "I nak break lah!"

but thank god the bf is a sabar person that really can take the pressure when i say harsh words such as "i hate you!" "leave me alone" "im tired of you". When will I realise that I am blessed with a loving, caring bf?!

We sorted it out when im already cair with all his manjaness, and i started to be a little bit naughty towards him. Ohh..so easy! Later that night, the bf came to Cyberia. Talked about our problems for a quite long time. He went back later. (the next night) hehe.. Watched Mrs Doubtfire. "I'm Mrs Doubtfire dear!" =) Robin Williams is so friggin rocks ok!

Intans' Birthday Bash

2006-11-21T06:26:00.000-08:00

Thursday Night
Went to Maison (ladies night) celebrated Intans' belated birthday. My first time there. Crashed at Loft for a while and meet up Ryan and some friends.

Started the hectic night with Diddy feat. Nicole's 'Come To Me' track. Danced with the favourite bf. Sungguh comel pabila the bf menari. Sangat comel. Shy shy kitty plak dia.

Intan, Baby, Ira and the gang all went ting tong after a few drink. The bf and I decided not to join them as it will be a short night for us if we joined them. Hehe. Went back to Riana Green after 2 am, waved goodbye to Fiq (bf's cuz and fellow mates + Negotiation skills classmate, Nadia was there too..alamak, malu k nak menari) and off to Damansara for a good night sleep.

The next morning, woke up at 12 pm, after bf came back from class. Nothing beats a good morning kiss from the beloved bf. Had lunch there. Auntie Lin rocks. Saw AJ (kaa kaa! short for Ika Ika)

hmmm..love!

Cayanngg dia!

2006-11-16T04:23:00.000-08:00

My flu gotten worse yesterday. But, the darling bf came to Cyberia to make lunch for me; my 5 housemates! Spaghetty Carbonara! My fave! Diana, my roomie never tried it before. So she was like....

"Carbonara? Apa tu?"

Hehe..so cute!

Lepas tu dan dan je, si bf pi suap dia one spoon (jeles jelessss!!!!). Ughh. As if!! The food was great, but we ran out of Parmessan cheese? Therefore the carbonara didn't have the much anticipated umphh! But still sedap ok sayang?! Thank you!

Went to the doctor with Ben 'Diva' @ Putrajaya. Paid rm30 for a bunch of pills. Gila banyak ok! Had breakfast with him at Mamak Kembar in Putra, then dropped by at Mamak Hassan Cyber to meet Aby. (whats with the Mamak la ok?) Sheesh!

Planning to go clubbing with Intan to celebrate her belated 21th birthday tonight. But I'm still sick. Go? or dont go? I just wanna go there and burn some fat around my butt and thighs (all over lah!). Baby and PG and the whole group are going also. There will be a convoi! hahaha!!

But inside of me tells me that I just wanna hang out with my bf at his crib, to see AJ and watch his DVD collection. Gugggly bear! But it's been a while since I went clubbing with my clubbing mate, Intan.(she's the only clubbing mate!). Besides, I've never experienced dancing with my bf. Kodi sungguh! Can't wait to watch him dance. (hands up, with kedepan kebelakang motion)

Tomorrow heading back home. To see Ayah! and Miko.Owh and Mama, Jean, Abang, Nana will be heading to London and Paris this end of December. Where will I be? in Malaysia studying for my finals. So unfair!! What ever!

p/s:need to find food recipes, to cook meals for Papa when Mama's there.

ANTP wacko!

2006-11-14T09:34:00.000-08:00

ANTM? America's Next Top Model

My girlfriends and I (Da & Di) watched ANTP non stop from 8pm to 1 am! Shit we're wackos I tell you. I planned to finish all my assignments, print all my notes, but all I did was selubung on their bed, watched it the whole entire night. Only to have toilet breaks every hour.

I've gotta learn to say no to entertainment seductions. Totally ignored the bf. Plus, I'm having the flu right now. Wont be going to class tomorrow. Hopefully get mc! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Why is it so hard?

2006-11-13T08:21:00.000-08:00

Some people find comfort by exposing their inner feelings through diaries, blogs, bestfriends and even mothers. Well, previously I find it through my darling mother. But recently, after my sister caught me smoking at home (she told Mama eventually), I was labelled as unthrustworty. So everything that happened to me, she thinks that it is wholly reflects on the smoking part.

I wanted to tell her about, the 'girl' who bitch about me in her blog. (the girl actually was kinda close to our family). I wanted so bad to tell her everything. The things she wrote. But all I managed to say..

"Ma, -she- kutuk Ika dalam blog dia ma"

"Apa pasal? Ini mesti ada buat pape la kat dia tu"

"No I didnt! The things she wrote was totally not my intention. About me getting new stuff, new makeup, handbags and such. She's just jealous Ma!"

"No! There must be something. Owh and you smoked eh kat sana?! (Cyber). Nanti dia bitau Mummy karang! Im still mad at you right now!"

Aghhhhhh! I was this close to tell Mama that she's a heavier smoker than I am! I'm only a social smoker, who smokes when I feel like it, not when my brain goes ga-ga if I dont get that cancer sticks. ( no offence people, its only a paradox) hehe!

So basically I was left speechless. I cant defend myself if the bullets are practically flying in the air. I salam her, then off to campus. Crying half way while listening to Christina Aguilera's Hurt! Haha! EMOOOO!

But I did some bitching with my small sister. Who practically hates her too! Love you! Mwahx!

p/s: names will not be included. as I am still a good person. unlike some people i know.

Happy Birthday!

2006-11-13T08:19:00.000-08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my darling sayang, Intan Bee ! Mwahx!

not so 'lovely day'

2006-11-13T05:26:00.000-08:00

It has been raining since petang! heavy rain here in cyber. Plus, for a very long time, I finally got the flu. My throat hurts, watery nose and eyes. God! I'm sure no more details needed right? 930pm, heading to Hassan Cafe (mamak at Street Mall Cyber). I dont know why im keen to go there, the food? Hell no? The mamaks? Shit no. BECAUSE THERE IS NO PLACE TO GO HERE! need to get panadol ASAP! or i'll be missing my 2nd week of class. cheers!

previous blog

2006-11-13T04:24:00.000-08:00

Finally! I've been wanting to create a new blog for months. Atlast. Recent happenings made me realise that I should get started with a new one. The old one reflects the sweeter side of me. Well this blog kinda consists of both. "Cross fingers". That's the problem of being me. There are loads going on in mylife, harsh ones, but I chose not to reveal it as it might offend other parties..but, the truth is, they're the ones whose revealling all of it inside their blogs about me!

"Ika! stop being such a conserned freak, and just write what you want to write! It's your blog, you have the right!"

"But Ika, people might read it. They will judge you. They will hate you."

From the loving bf " Stop thinking about what people might think about you sayang! To hell with them"

Dilemma!